Urgh, all the fun is almost over. All the laughters and happiness for the past 2 weeks are fading away. damn it. If only I knew this is what I feel when they are around, I swear I'll never let them down.

Packed

I'm soooooooo packed with things to do right now. It's a week before finals and I'm shifting all my finals to this week so that I can go down to Vegas with my parents. Yezza.. they're here =) The only thing that makes me fly in the air and motivates me to keep on living the nightmares of finals. So, I have 1 take-home final, a paper final, a major project and a final presentation due tomorrow (Friday) before I fly down to Vegas in the evening. *crappp*. It's going to be a super long night and day for me! It almost killed me but thinking of what's awaiting for me, I'll tell myself to keep on moving. And this is my 15 minutes break from my hot-date with the OS filesystems project. It's almost 9 pm and all 45 computers in this lab are occupied and my forkbomb server is crashing. The very good thing is, all these keep me busy so that I have no time to dwell over sadness, or scariness of my future life. Alrite, enuf said, anyone have good suggestions of places to visit in Vegas and San Francisco? My family is going to be here for almost 3 weeks and I have no freaking idea where to bring them. My convocation would be next Saturday, June 9th and I've gotten my cap and gown. The big one is not going to be so much fun but I'm looking forward for my department's convocation. Finally, I'm done spending 4 years living the life of the dead, and it's almost over. oh, can't complaint about that, I might have a scarier life in the future. Never knew what's going to happen to me makes me tumble. 15 minutes up. back to my date!!

Destiny

Who knows what might happen, right?
People live their life as it is.
I do believe in fate.
And I believe the best thing that could happen to me
had been written.
I know that there's no turning back for me.
I don't know how much I should regret for my mistakes.
And how long should this feeling haunt me.
My life could be changing few days or years from now.
I might be happy and I might not.
I might be successful and I might not.
I might be alive and I might not.
I might have my freedom and I might not.
Whatever happens, I pray so that I can take it.
And live the life that had been written for me.

Special thanks to Izwa for the video. It really made my day today. =)
I'd like to dedicate this song below to everyone I know.
Enjoy the day when the freedom is still yours.

I do Sumo

Last Thursday was a fun outing day. I attended two events which in return allows me to enjoy free food, gifts and fun activities. So during my department BBQ event, I decided to try what they call sumo wrestle. So I jumped in their sumo suit which is super heavy with another friend to have a real sumo wrestle. We look silly but heck, I don't care. Other people tried it too and it's there for us to have fun right? We (my friend and I) couldn't stop laughing at ourselves and of course the people around us too.. especially the photographer. So in case you're wondering how I look like in those suit, below are some of the pics in chronos...

Nightmares

They lasts several nights.
They are disturbing.
They made me all nighters.
They changed my sleep pattern.
They let me wonder why.
And made me look for the answer how.
Then I started to think of "what ifs" questions.
Then it started to get ugly.
They reassured me of what I've lost.
They confirmed my mistakes.
Then I know I need to be on my bended knees.
Then I realized,
I need the people I foolishly abandoned.
They just taught me a lot.
And I'm glad it's over.


Sorry, your browser doesn't support the embedding of multimedia.
Ungu -Andai Ku Tahu

Of letting go

for unix people...



It shouldn't be that hard right? hahaa. kudos to Kameron. I really wish it's that easy tho.. a single line and an enter would definitely do it.

Girls in My Cirlcle =)

For all my dear girlfriends....

When I was little,
I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
And then I started to become a woman.

And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
God would show you the best in many friends…

One friend is needed when you're going through things with your Mom.
Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your man.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.

One friend will say, "Let's cry together,"Another, "Let's fight together,"
Another, "Let's walk away together." and another, "We'll just hang in there together".

One friend will meet your spiritual need,
Another your shoe fetish,
Another your love for late night movies,
Another your crave for starbucks,
Another your passion for music,
Another your place to keep valuable secrets,
Another will be with you in your season of confusion,
Another will be your clarifier,
Another the wind beneath your wings.

But whatever their assignment in your life,
On whatever the occasion,
On whatever the day,
Or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on,
Or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself,
Or to remind you of things you've forgotten,
Those are your best friends.

It may all be wrapped up in one woman,
But for many, it's wrapped up in several...
One from 7th grade,
Few from high school,
Several from the college years,
A couple from old jobs,
On some days your mother,
On some days your neighbor,
On others, your sisters,
And on some days, it's going to be your daughters.

Be it 23 minutes or 23 years, I'm glad that I have girlfriends that I can count on.

A weekend in detail...

This is just another tell-no-point story entry. If not interested, shooooshhh...

The weekend started off interestingly on Friday evening when I was paged to work for emergency. The air condition in our department's server room broke down so most of the servers were overheated. Our main Xerxes server crashed and melted down so me and my boss had to go in to the 95F server room and try to cool off the room. berkipas, meniup semua buat. The worst part was having to bring all the 15 servers out from the room and reconfigure it so that the network is still there. Thank God it was Friday evening so there's not much of annoying phone calls and complaints.

After work, I'm off to join the MaSA bowling. I didn't play since I'm already late but it was nice to see bunch of them playing as a group and had fun. At the same time, we were busy preparing proposal for the midwest game. It's going to be hosted at Northern Illinois University (The Website). I was contemplating if I should go since I would be super busy but someone successfully convinced me to register.. hehe. Back to the weekend... after bowling, we all had dinner together and hang out at (nad's, sarah's, daphne's) apartment.

On Saturday, I spent most of the day in the CS lab working on my OS and INFO project. Honestly, I do find that it's fun to hangout with CS peeps once in a while at the lab. I think they could be very crazy and funny during weekends or after midnight especially when most of us are stressing out about the same thing. Working to configure linux kernel and do basic operating system programming was never fun for me but it's all good. I rather spent time with them to keep me busy then stressing out about silly things. Dart called me in the evening.. we chatted, and somehow she managed to convince me to play soccer for Penn State.. haha,Dart deary, you have to be prepared for the worst player you will be seeing playing for your team. I didn't have the Samura's skills and experience for almost 5 years now. But hell I missed riadah dekat Samura tu..haha. This is also the day that I had the most immature fight with the most immature manusia on earth. ishhh.. not wrestling kinda fight ok, it's more like darjah 3 punya fight. haha.. why? I think because both of us just want to remind ourselves how it's like to be budak2 again. Heck, he deserves it anyway..

And it's now Sunday... spent few hours homeworking, and I really2 can't sit in my room anymore... something bothered me.. so I decided to kacau ppl.. First target, Nad. As usual, she would say OK so we spent some time at sbux, chatting and planning.. hehe. Then when she's off to her group meeting, I wander on the ave trying to find something to look at. Then I decided to do some grocery shopping... heck, I spent a lot. *not a very good sign*. Now I'm back in my room.. and as you can tell, I'm bored to death. Everyone's at the lab but I'm waiting for them to come back so that I could force them to play with my new toy. Oh yes, I bought myself a new toy for the midwest. Check this out...
hahah.. it looks exactly like mine oo except the white stripes are maroon stripes. Do not kutuk as I wouldn't care what you have to say. I'm really in a crazy mood now. Spice girls songs have been blasting in my room for a few days and I've been telling a lot of my ole friends bout the crazy things they never thought I cold have done. haha.. ey don't get scared. I just think the 3 cans of soda and self window shopping drove me to be hyper for a while. wawaweewah.. budak2 lab, cepat balik!

23rd on the 23rd

Been wanting to write this but took me a while. Been busy with midterms but I have soo much to say.. hehe.

My 23rd birthday was in fact the most fun and funniest birthday bash I ever had. It's also the night that made me realized how ignorant I could be sometime, or blur or tak paham bahasa. heheh. Besides all the major signs given by Aneesa and Is, I still couldn't figure out what's going on until few seconds before Is gave his loud-heartdropping-snap at us (me and Aneesa) which made me jump few inches backward but... it's all good =)

The Signs....

• I asked Nad if she wants to go out earlier in the day but she resisted it well by saying that she's busy.. which is not usually the case. She will usually say ok though she's busy. hehe


• Aneesa brought me to Salmon house nearby our apartment which is suppose to close at 9pm on Sunday but her reservation is at 9.15pm. I thought maybe I got the closing time wrong or they changed the closing time for Sunday.


• Aneesa forgot to bring her camera and insisted that we go back to take them.. Salmon house jer ponn.. is camera that important? haha but I just followed her since we still have few more minutes before our reservation time and our apartment isn't that far anyway.


• Is miscalled Aneesa. I asked who, and Aneesa said that Is 'always' miscalled her. Since when? I don't know.. Maybe Is was just bored hehe


• We got home, went into the living room and Aneesa's face changed! She said something smells funny but I honestly didn't smell anything.. no wonder lah, they're not there! Of course it's a surprise for Aneesa.. haha


• Now Aneesa lost her key, we searched for them upstairs like crazy.. erm Hello? We're already late for our reservation at Salmon House.


• Went downstairs.. Aneesa locked the apartment's door. Eh, I thought we're going out??


• Saw a giant sandal in front of our apartment's door.. wait, that sandal looks verryy familiar, hmm? (sungguh bijak Is tinggalkan selipar)

I almost figured it out.... but Is came and gave me the sudden strike and the others were in the living room saying 'Happy Birthday'!!! =) Awww, I was so terharu(moved).

For more detailed chronology.. check out Aneesa's blog.


Pictures...

people : Aneesa, Nad, Sarah, Iskandar, Wanlin, Babeng, Daphne, Yuko, Patricia, Me. =)

Notes
I really want to thank them for being so thoughtful and kind.. :)
It wasn't exepcted because our usual routine for the past years were just a nice small get together dinner. So much for projects due next day lah Nad and Sarah! hehe.
It was very nice of them to cook and bought stuff for the event.. and of course, the gifts. THANK YOU dear all..

And not forgetting those who did remembered my birthday.. bought me presents.. took me out for dinner.. sent me birthday cards all the way to the US and gave me birthday wishes be it on Friendster, Facebook, or Emails. I appreciate it all. My 23rd birthday was wonderful and meaningful because of you guys =)




ARINA @ AYIN @ NARFIASKA @ EMMET @ ARROYO

Only Time

Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows, only time?
And who can say if your love grows,
As your hearth chose, only time?

Who can say why your heart sights,
As your live flies, only time?
And who can say why your heart cries
when your love lies, only time?

Who can say when the roads meet,
That love might be ,in your heart?
and who can say when the day sleeps,
and the night keeps all your heart?
Night keeps all your heart.....

Who can say if your love groves,
As your heart chose, only time?
And who can say where the road goes
Where the day flows, only time?

Who knows? Only time

Monday Medley

I'm officially sick of reading today.. had a grande starbucks at 2pm and just got back frm bubble tea @ midnite but I'm still not getting the right mood to continue reading.. *sigh*. If reading is not my thing, why do I enjoy the class? If I like the class, why do I hate the readings assignment? hmmm.. I just like the discussion part kot, hear out people ideas.. but not giving out mine.

Nyways, this news worsen my mood when I realized that I only have 50% chance of getting my working visa in the US. The applications were just opened for 2 days and it reached double the quota. AND they'll randomly select half of the applications to be reviewed and that means.. there's 50% chance that my visa application will not be reviewed at all. grrrrr... thank God for the OPT.. at least I can have that one year to work without working visa.

currently listening to... What I've Done by Linkin Park Sorry, your browser doesn't support the embedding of multimedia.

In this farewell, There is no blood, There is no alibi, Cause I’ve drawn regret, From the truth, Of a thousands lies, So let mercy come and wash away… ** What I’ve Done, I’ll face myself, To cross out what I’ve become, Erase myself, And let go of what I’ve done… Put to rest, What you thought of me While, I clean this slate, With the hands, Of uncertainty, So let mercy come, And wash away… ** For what I’ve done, I start again, And whatever pain may come, Today this ends, I’m forgiving what I’ve done… ** What I’ve Done, What I’ve Done, Forgiving what I’ve done…

Self-Harm

I received a shocking news today.. I'm feeling disappointed, regret and sorry at the same time for a friend of mine. Why do people self harm? Is it a way of voicing the pain that someone is feeling to the others or is it a choice to satisfy ones unmet needs? WE all lives in a cruel world. Its cruel for a reason, and for a very good reason... to teach you how to be a BETTER person. The more challenges you've gone through.. the more you learn and understand about yourself. What you want to do, where you want to be, whom you want to be friend with..

Why there are no nice people left in the the world?
Because all the nice people are taken advantage of when they try and help people, then they get screwed over and turn bitter just like everyone else. hehe.. no? Get over it.. we shape the world we're living in.

So, my point is.. No matter how hard you have to survive, how big the problem you're facing, how useless you feel about yourself, just know the fact that there are other people out there who feel the same way.. You are not alone. You might not find the comfort that you're looking for.. because the only comfort you can find is within yourself. I'm writing this to remind myself and others, WE decide what is going to happen to us. Though we believe in fate.. we do have some controls over it right?

We could constantly be 'the enemy to ourselveS' or we could 'choose to make peace'.. so think wisely.

You could make someone realize that they are needed if you just take the time to ask them if they are okay. You don't need to spend forever with them just long enough so they know you care. -above

To those who are always there for me, I thank you. To those that I haven't got the chance to show that I care, I'm sorry.. but know this, you are always in my thoughts.

Too much stuff available online..

I'm Engaged =)

Yes. it's true.. the rumors you heard. I've been keeping it for a while cuz I'm giving myself and of course my fiancé some time to learn this. Sorry for not telling you guys earlier.. I'm just waiting for the right time to come. This thing is so big for me.. and you guys know that right? It happens so fast, and I myself could not believe that this is actually already happening to me. I could just see my life is entirely shifting to a new phase in the next few months, for better or worse, no one knows but of course, I'm hoping for the best. So now my life would be so much different. I need to become the so called 'more-polite-behaving' girl tul tak? hehe.. Ramai ni kene jadi tok guru.. damn.

Well.... yes.. there you go another april fool for you fools... hahaha. Cis aku marah ni siapa buat cerita. If I'm engaged, or married, I'll make it public. Especially to those I promised to tell.. and I will not reluctantly react to whatever rumor other people are saying coz I'm just so sick of people believing without asking.

helloo.. I'm not giving up my freedom yet. and if I am, I'm hoping to find a worthy person I can give up to. I have way too much stuff in my head than getting engaged or married. For God sake, I can't even cook for myself and you expect me to cook for some random guy. tolong sikit.. hehe. And for those who are too confuse to know what's going on, you can just ignore this post and pretend you never read it. This post is intended to those who have been calling and messaging me the past few days asking for my respond.

So dear friends, I appreciate your concern but I ask you to trust me that I will not leave you behind if something major happened in my life cause you guys were there to support me all along k?? No more "I heard that... but... because you... and you... is it true? " ok? If it's true.. then no other uncertainties need to be in the fact. thots.

Ask a lot of questions

The Bottom Line

Today, if you ask lots of questions, you will get good responses. Be bold.

In Detail

If you ask plenty of questions today, you will get some good responses from other people. Your ability to get people talking in interesting new ways is very strong right now -- so take advantage of it, especially if you are going to be in a group social situation. Toss out a provocative question, and see who says what. Get reacquainted with the bolder, more aggressive you. It's been a long time since you've enjoyed this role, hasn't it?

Memory

All left was the memory of him being happy today,
making stupid jokes to his friends,
eating lotsa food and cakes,
staying up late to watch movies,
and making ppl around him feel as if they are
the most luckiest person on earth..
and I do still cherish those moments
even there's no way I'm ever going to see him again.
may peace be upon him.

Spring Break to Remember

2 days left.. before the journey of my last 10 weeks in obtaining my college degree. Time flies so fast. I want to graduate and not to graduate at the same time. I'm going to miss the life (as if I have one) as a student.. but, most of all... I would be missing all my mates who were there through thick and thin.

Just these past few days had taught me a lot... those who know what happened, I owe you my life for all the encouragement and support you guys gave to me, thanks.. I guess I'm not gonna be able to smile right now without all of you.

Seriously, this is the most memorable spring break ever, starting off with the death of lucy.. (hamster Is), having to deal with a bitchy prof over at biostat department (work mess), learned that I'm going to be broke for quite sometime (spending mess), the birth of Kristina Izian (congrates acan), fellow classmates marriage(congrates cik Amir Radhi!!), and not least.. learnt my biggest lesson in my entire life. oh, and also congrates Danielle... the future to be architect =)

Things changing, people come and go, making decisions for future is what I scared the most of right now... how would you know you're doing the right job, you're staying at the right place, you're being friend with the right people, and you're married to the right person? scary.. scary..
but I guess it's all written somewhere. I just hope that the past doesn't determine how my future would looks like.. coz if it does, it's going to be ugly...

Kiss YouTube

Ever wonder how to download those videos on youtube w/o having to use their player?
You can now use kissyoutube.com for that. All you have to do is find the video you want, lookup the address where the video suppose to be, and just add "kiss" in front of youtube.com
ex: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8B-TMAhl6w will become
http://www.kissyoutube.com/watch?v=D8B-TMAhl6w.

Easy enough?? you'll need to save the file as .flv(flash file) and then convert it into other type you want (mp4 for ipod video, avi, etc..) I recommend you to use this free online file conversion at http://media-convert.com/.

Avid youtube surfer,
narfiaska

Melayu

It's Tuesday evening and IM DONE WITH FINALS wooooot!!
So before mengqada' tido for 12 hours tonight, I took some time browsing
youtube (*** as usual lah) and I came across this awesome vidz.
hahaha.. I can't stop smiling throughout the whole video.
Melayu hardcore yg byk masa tul. rajin2

p/s : btw, I think the vid intended for melayu who admits that they are melayu kot.. if you think you're not typical malay or a very different/unique/special melayu then don't bother enjoying it lah kot.

Another finals season.

Pat your back, scream out loud,
As another season almost end.
My time is near, my time is almost here,
It's just a quarter further,
where I awaited the kind of degree I confer.

But, do I prefer for it to be over???
Consider the pain I'm going through right now,
I definitely am. Stuffing words in my head.
Memorizing facts even when they are lilliputian.
What do I expect when this is over?
What do I gain when I'm out of here?
What will I be when I have the boring 9-5 hour?
I can't even discipline myself for the fixed 15 hours per week.
how would I train myself for 40 hours per week?

Damn it, damn it, damn it.
I can't even discipline myself 18 hours before my final paper,
consider myself now a stuffy-head blogger.
how am I suppose to be discipline for a week dateline later?
*long sigh*

Ok peeps, my finals season is here.
Wish me luck aiteeeee.
I seriously just want it to be over.
cepatla cepatla cepatla


Sorry, your browser doesn't support the embedding of multimedia.
Schwule Mädchen - Fettes Brot

The song that surprisingly gave me the mood to study today.
Way to enjoy my weekend !!!

what I think on wed night

Once upon a time,
I was white and fragile.
Being sheltered by 2 angels that
always look after me.
I know that it took days and decades before
I actually turned gray.
Some people try to wash me, bleach me...
But I never trust them, so I ran away.
And now after all I can see is
a pitch black, I wonder what've gone wrong.
I used to look down on people
that is now myself. shame on me.

-Lakisha

3.6.07.12.35

My Current Mood ! ! !

Goodbye!!

I've been working on this freaking thing for 7 hours straight now and I'm about to complain..

The task is to design a pipelining datapath microprocessor with data hazard, bla bla bla ... And I've been debugging it like crazy... (You don't have to know what that means).

To debug, I need to look and analyze the produced waveform.. which does not make any more sense to me now... It used to, but the 7th hour is crashing me down.

Unfortunately for me the amount of errors that I'm getting is enormously disgusting and I am very very very much sick of it right now. Being blinded by all the numbers and ports makes me feel wanna puke right at it. So, to the beloved lab that's due in the next 1 hour, SELAMAT TINGGAL!!!

Month of Hatred

I'm just easily annoyed these few days... the past month in particular.
And I made myself few good enemies.
I'm altered. For better or worse? We'll see.

** And why the heck Blogger's spam robot locked my blog??
Does my blog sounds like a spammer? ceh.. google pon nak cr gado dgn aku

original

This is what we call power cyclist. Memang mat rempit seperti Didi patut tercabar.. heheheh. How the heck they do that??

Ooo and check this out. My fav. solo acoustic guitar artist of the year. Andy McKee The song is just soo beautiful. Damn it.. youTube consumes so much of my time. This is song is called Rylynn =)

* iffy *

we are all private disasters.
we are all open-ended questions,
without forms without subjects
and often without direction.
who i am makes me no different
than who you are.
basically we are fighting the same demons.
we are all inside ourselves like secrets
banging against our insides
trying to get out
but when we get out
what will we do with
ourselves?
are we all forever
relegated to the undesired
double standard?
I just wish that I'm impregnable.

Happy Lunar New Year =) . The days had been crawling really slow for me lately. Not like I got anything done before I wanted it to, but I have tons debris of feelings in my innerself that want "these days" to just pass me by before i even realize it so that I could live the life i wanted without regrets... which in a sane mind would think that it is now infeasible... good job Arina.

Teach me to hate.

I hate the way I talk to you
and the way I cut my hair
I hate the way I drive my car
I hate it when u stare
I hate your big dumb combat boots ; and the way u read my mind
I hate u so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme
I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when u lie
I hate it when u make me laugh ; even worse when u make me cry
I hate it that you're not around ; and the fact that u didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate u
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all

-10 things I hate about you-

Character

Each of us is meant to have a character all our own,
to be what no other can exactly be,
and do what no other can exactly do.
Unique and vital, I must say..

I was quite taken aback when I found myself in
a set of characteristics that I do not fond of
few weeks ago. That got me into troubles and illness.
Hence, I took a step backward.
Leaving scars and bruises everywhere.
But then, I decided it's not my character to leave
those scars and bruises around.
So I took a different step to try and heal those scars.
which disappointedly had gotten me into a bigger pool of
characters illusion.

Then after all these years that I thought I knew what kind of person
I wanted to be, what characters to hold and settled on...
Now I'm back to square one.

Back to deciding 'should I or shouldn't I' ?
Back to thinking of 'What If' situation..
Back to evaluating 'can I or can't I' do this thing..

Some good friends used to tell me.. I need to change.
I can't be like this forever.. I agreed but I never give in.
Until this special person came along and made me realize how I need to change..
how I had gotten myself into this big problem that I could have cease long time ago.
If only I had listened to all those advices and concerns.. this mud would be easy to swallow.

I'm hoping that it's not too late.. for me to change anything =)

Wait² this blog entry is not suppose to be sad or depressing.
That was what I felt before. But at this moment,
I'm all new and free. My thoughts aren't scribbled with
'what people say or think about me'. like.. I don't care mode..
Anyway, I found this great thoughts of wisdom about character.

It's all about character.
Watch your thoughts;
they become words.
Watch your words;
they become actions.
Watch your actions,
they become habits.
Watch your habits;
they become character.
watch your character;
it becomes your destiny.

-Frank Outlaw

2007

Happy New Year to all. May it brings joy and happiness.